Small hand, or a large throat?

"Would you rather have a really small hand or an obnoxiously large throat?"  

You'll probably have a definitive answer by the time you finish reading this sentence, but hold on.  I mean it. Stop for a sec.  

I think if you really consider this necessary question for any considerable amount of time, your decision will get significantly harder.  Now you're rethinking your answer and don't want to make a decision yet.  Me neither.  The only possible way to do this is to go over the pros and cons of each:

Really Small Hand


Small fist inflicts concentrated pain

Pressing more than a single button on any type of keypad = non-issue

Kid-sized gloves/baseball mitts/mittens cost less

Miniature knuckles hard to hit during game of Quarters


Hand can be easily crushed doing everyday activities such as giving a handshake or saluting

Impossible to grab certain objects securely (ie youth-sized football or YooHoo beverage)

Limited hand strength results in loss of ability to clutch/grasp

Hand signals such as thumbs up or "hang loose" indistinguishable

Obnoxiously Large Throat


Extra mass of throat acts like reserve food basin

Throat can be used as miniature TV tray, holding 2-3 pizza rolls easily

Fills out a turtle neck or turtle neck unishort divinely

Can be used to deliver a discreet punishing blow (aka throat-butt)


Heavy protrusion can make talking/attracting the opposite sex difficult

Singing voice is permanent Sub-Bassitone (a new sound pitch category created for people with obnoxiously large throats)

Shaving is considered a suicide attempt

Can be easily choked by a t-shirt or small child

Hmmmmm.  I'm gonna go with the really small hand.  Just the thought of doing several quick karate chops in rapid succession with pinpoint accuracy makes my soul smile